So I am sitting here going through this old box of stuff from high school...(oh don't sit there and act like I am the ONLY person who keeps a box of high school memorabilia!!) Anyhoo, I came across some old letters that me and my best friend, Pamela, used to exchange when we were younger. I know, it's lame, but we used to write each other letters while in class, (when we clearly should have been doing school work) not really talking about much, but just...writing because we could and to pass the time. All of these memories started coming back to me...the time I told her to pretend she was her mom and say that I was coming over to her house so I could go see some boy...the time she lied and said she was at my house so she could go see some boy...lol...we were some BAD girls!! We were so anti the night of our graduations...Pam went to Franklin so we went to each other's graduation screaming the opposite mascot: "BULLDOGS!!" (Flip what ya heard, them Quakers was hatin on Garfield at their graduation!).
It's weird how I can look back at these pictures and letters and almost feel the happiness I used to have...how I found joy in the simplest things. I still do, but not nearly as much as I did when she was here...I almost feel like a part of me died with her...I miss that closeness of another person who is just as fucked up in the head as I am. We had a very odd sense of humor that not many found to be too amusing. I keep a rather small circle even to this day because there aren't too many people who can appreciate my sense of humor. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what we might be doing right now. Would she have finally given me some God babies? (I hope not...Pam was not the "motherly" type...) Would we be sitting and talking about how I stood up and decided to "speak now" at her wedding? (Actually, that's more than likely...I hated all of her boyfriends...) Losing a family member is one thing, but who would you turn to in that event? Your best friend...and when you don't have that, what else is there?
I remember our last conversation as if we had it yesterday...it was then that she told me I was her "only friend". After she passed, I started to think about what makes a person a friend. For us, we were always honest with each other, we always had fun, always smiling and laughing at each others mistakes, never criticized, never disloyal and we always put each other first (unless the guy was good in bed...I normally had to eat the loss and vice versa, but still...lol). So weird how you remember all of those little details that didn't mean anything when the person was around...I don't know...I guess I am really sad and really missing my best friend...
Well, I finally have someone that I HONESTLY consider to be my best friend...the only person since Pam passed. The only person that has managed to piss me off to the point of silence and make me laugh uncontrollably all at the same time. When I am with them, I see a glimmer of how I was with her; fun...happy...lively...semi-social. They know who they are...and I want them to know just how much I appreciate having them in my life. Anyone that can deal with my imbalanced ass must be either extremely bored or care for me a lot...could be a mix of the two, but still...
Once you've lost someone as close as a best friend at such a young age, you learn to appreciate the next one, if God blesses you the second time around. Death is not biased and does not discriminate against age. I make no secret about the way I feel because I know that no one is promised tomorrow. My advice to anyone reading this is to not sweat the small stuff. They say hate can only exist where there was once love and we are too young to hold grudges. Patch that shit up and move the hell on!! Trust me, you'll wish you had if you are ever put in my position. Not everyone is lucky enough to get another best friend.
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